Well, this adventure is ...shockingly enough...not going as I expected. Truth be told, I didn't know what to expect regarding many aspects of it. But I know what I wanted out of it -- to prove something about my strength.
See, I've always felt that I was too "tied to the apron strings" (as it were), that I was too dependent on my family, that I needed to do something to prove to myself and ...the world I guess...that I'm a big girl, that maybe I'm not as limited as my emotional issues have always made me feel that I am.
There are tears coursing down my face as I write this because, in the upheaval of trying to prove my strength, I have become so paralysingly (yes, new word) depressed that my mom (along with my aunt) is flying over here in two days to help me get stabilized on an antidepressant. I didn't broadcast it at the time, but I had a panic attack the night after I arrived in Budapest. I managed to get through orientation with anxiety meds, assuming I'd be better once I got settled and started with my job. And that's when the bottom started to fall out.
Strength indeed.
I agonized over the decision to let Mom come. Do I just need to buck up and get through it? Is this just homesickness and a natural part of moving on to another phase of life? Am I taking the easy way out? The truth is, I feel such gut-wrenching emotional pain and darkness that I have almost no appetite, zero motivation for...anything...And I just can't do it anymore. Depression in American wasn't fun. Depression in a foreign country where the days are short and the sun shines rarely and there are no other Americans to be seen ..welll...it's just a whole new level of fun :)
I'm learning a lot though. About humility..and Hungarians. My contact teacher (the person from the school assigned to handle all my integration issues) is a wonderful woman named Marianne. She is Hungarian but speaks English well. Like many Hungarians/Eastern Europeans, she doesn't have the warmest exterior upon first acquaintance. But I'm finding out how warm her heart is. I feel utterly helpless and at her mercy as we have spent the last two days navigating the red tape of getting a residence permit and national health insurance card (if anyone was wondering how I am teaching in my current state of mind,I haven't been for the last two days because we've had to travel twice to the bigger nearby city of Miskolc to handle paperwork). Marianne also took me shopping today for some things my flat needed, and is constantly asking if there is anything else she can do. After the 6000th "thank you" from me (which came after she took me to the doctor) she finally told me to stop thanking her and to consider her my "spare mother." I don't think she quite "gets" depression, but she knows I am unwell and calls or texts me each evening to make sure I am ok and have eaten dinner. It really is quite humbling for me to be this dependent on a relative stranger. But I'm trying to let her help me because I know deep down that accepting charity is as character-building as handing it out.
What was that about independence...
Abs, do you remember my favorite word from this year? "Reciprocity." It means (loosely) that sometimes you do things for other people, and sometimes they do things for you, and it all evens out in the end (unless you insist on being a moocher or a martyr, either of which throws things out of balance-- and you know how I like balance). I'm someone who enjoys being independent and doing things for other people, but I've also realized since being on my own that sometimes I really need other people to do things for me. And I just rejoice in the fact that I have people in my life who will graciously do things for me, as I get to enjoy doing things for them.
ReplyDeleteRight now I'm thankful that Marianne is looking out for you, and that Mom and Aunt Mel are going to be able to come help you adjust and figure out what you need so that you can do your best at your job and maybe even enjoy it somewhere down the line.
"No man is an island." -John Donne
Thank you for your balanced analysis Ash :) Truly one is never on one's own. John said it right. Barbara also said it well..."People who need people are the luckiest people." Well anyway, 'nuf with the quotes. I am thankful for the same things. Looking forward to rendezvousing with you over here in a few months, when I will hopefully feel considerably better you and will hopefully be a Dr !
ReplyDeleteHey Abs,
ReplyDelete- - Here's a little something I found on Stumble upon. :)
Fun ideas to try around the house:)
http://justdwl.net/these-are-some-useful-tricks.html/#.UQFU1Wc1CSo Thought you might enjoy using some of these ideas.
Things you need to know about combat:
http://justdwl.net/these-are-some-useful-tricks.html/#.UQFU1Wc1CSo
And just in case you need to let steam off about someone, this, I thought an English major such as yourself would get a kick out of. ;)
www.pangloss.com/seidel/shake_rule.html
Hope that brings a smile to your day, however it goes. :)
Your old Pen-pal, who prays for you,
Aner