Thursday, February 14, 2013

Being OK is for the Dogs. Really.

I am settling into a routine here in my new life in Tiszaújváros. This was my second week "going it on my own" since Mom and Aunt Mel's departure. I am ok. Just ok. Not in the depths of despair; not loving life. And ready to put my fist through the wall the next time someone tells me this is a great adventure.

I left Florida in pursuit of freedom. Freedom from unpleasant memories of being depressed that haunted me still in certain places (i.e. I remain a devout Gator fan, due in part to the fact that the years I spent at UCF were so hard that it has even been unpleasant at times to drive by the campus). Freedom from old relationship dynamics that I thought needed to change. I dreamed of leaving at least some of my problems and hangups by leaving town.  I wasn't naive enough to think I'd really leave ALL my problems behind, but sometimes a change of scenery can do good things for your mind, emotions...everything. 


This is not one of those times, as evidenced by the emotional trainwreck I experienced upon first arriving here. If there's anything I've learned in these 23 years, it's that healthy, energizing relationships are built on authenticity. So I have been upfront with many people about my emotional health history. But when I say "I was so depressed when I first arrived here that my mom had to come stay for a couple weeks," people don't get it. They just think I was homesick and having a hard time with the transition.  I should say, "No really, the thought of getting a knife out of the drawer did cross my mind." They. don't. get. it. And I am OVER being misunderstood. Now I have taken being misunderstood...abroad. Well yip yip.


I have spent so much time in the wasteland of emotional mediocrity, not really having the capacity to put both feet in and LOVE something. I love school, but at the time I was in it, I was so hung up on doing it perfectly and was stretched so thin (operating on about 20% of the emotional energy of a normal person) that I couldn't enjoy it the way I would now.  I am enjoying teaching. In fact, I will probably pursue teaching high or middle school English when I return to the states. But I'm not healthy enough to feel able to pour myself into it here. So many mornings I feel like a zombie doing a half-way job because I don't have the emotional or physical strength to really do a bang-up job of it. Oh, and I'm new at it and have no curriculum to follow soooooo.....


I've got a lot working against me. The stress of a new home, a new job, a new ...country. I came completely off the antidepressant I had previously been taking (one I spent 8 months taking and a year and a half getting off of) in order to start a new one when my mom arrived here. I took the new one for 5 days before deciding  no way, jose. It made me feel numb and cranky, and disturbed my sleep considerably. So I decided if this six month stint was going to happen, it would have to be sans medication. But still I am left with the withdrawal symptoms of the previous one, including but not limited to lack of physical energy, blood sugar level upheaval, and emotional indifference. I have supplements to help but...they don't fix it all. 


Overall, I'm tired of feeling like this is supposed to be great. It isn't. Yes, there are good things about being here. Certainly, I'm not the same person that left Orlando nearly six weeks ago. But people sometimes make going abroad sound magical. It isn't. I work. I eat. I sleep. And I still have problems. I was ready for magic, for pete's sake. *ahem* God? This is your cue pal....


2 comments:

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  2. Dearest Abs,
    Your authenticity is soul-refreshing and heart-warming. I prefer the King James Version Biblical phrase "naked and UNASHAMED" because it is so raw and attention-getting. (And I have come to think that our Pal is kind of that way).
    Nonetheless, your journey and tale have my attention! For me it wasn't a knife but rather a chain saw, or how I could manipulate the saw in such a way that the tree would land on me and end my misery in a way that wouldn't penalize my family for my disqualifying them for my insurance. A dark place, for sure....
    There is some part of me that wants to expound with some religious/fluffy/fatherly cliche type words that make things all better for you. But I won't - can't - 'cause words can be pretty useless at times - though your use of them is stunning.
    Rather, just consider this a virtual "hug" from someone who loves you deeply and like you, invites our Pal to provide some magic but has figured out that mostly he wants to just give us the hug as well.
    Your Unc. J.

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