Take me home, country road...er...Polish Airlines

This may not come as a shock to anyone (and some of you have heard from me or through the familial grapevine by now anyway, I'm sure) but I am headed home. No, not to glory.To Florida, that place I so badly wanted to escape but that now has some sudden charms. I'll be leaving Hungary the morning of March 4th, and arriving in Orlando that night.

So how did I arrive at this decision? Well, when my mom left a few weeks ago, I had reached the point of deciding that if my emotional state backslid into depression again, I'd be outta here. I have suffered that cursed illness enough of my life. If staying here meant suffering more....no way jose. A week ago this evening, I was at a school function (and was not feeling great emotionally, having to take anxiety pills) and I could tell I was coming down with something. I ended up having bronchitis and having to be off work all week. My emotional state continued to deteriorate and I realized that I had really digressed from where I was a few months ago when I was seeing my BFF pharmacist regularly and felt like myself. Its been so many weeks now since I have felt completely like myself. I don't really know who myself is anymore, but I'd really like to find her. So while the depressed part of my brain was screaming at me that quitting equals failure, the very small rational part of my brain knew that losing all sense of proportion about this endeavor probably meant it was time to be done.

So that's all, really. My health just isn't up for this. Now and in the next few days as I begin packing and cleaning my flat, telling my students I have to leave and saying goodbyes... I'll begin the arduous internal journey of trying to understand what all this meant. I have a lot of questions floating through my mind right now -- questions I've begun to process but that will take a lot of time to find the answers to. If I ever find them. Questions like why did God allow me to come when He knew it wouldn't work out. Could I have done anything differently to make it work out. What does it say about me that I couldn't stay. Certainly, I wonder what people will think about me leaving, both here and at home. But in a better state of mind I know that being at peace with this decision within myself is all that matters. At the risk of sounding cliche, those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind.

Ultimately though...I hope ...and I think I can...accept my own limitations, love myself in spite of them, be proud of myself for trying this, and forgive myself for the fact that it didn't work out.  I learned through my mom's having to come "rescue" me here that there is freedom in accepting your weaknesses rather than trying to prove that they don't exist. Yeah, I'm weak, and there are things I just can't hack. But here's a pat on my own back for trying. And a bigger one for knowing when to quit.